I need to do better

this is a post to help me realize what life is about. To not be ungrateful. To strengthen myself , be outspoken when I need to and quite as well. I’m going to try to manage my emotions so I don’t hold them all in and then lay them all out on my husband before bed, to just wake up the next day miserable and ashamed.

This isn’t just for me. It’s for my Son, I’m in a stage of life that every waking move I make could leave an impression on him and here I am being an emotional basket case. I need to act on my motherhood. I need to realize I am a Mom now, I need to do better.

So here I begin, by first acknowledging in a public space that I am full of mistakes and bad habits. I am a jealous, envious person that can’t stand to see my son being held and walked around without the common courtesy to ask me first. I am jealous because people have the confidence to do that they want even if it’s my child. And envious because it’s my child, how could you even be so confident to do that? To grab him when you want? To interrupt me when I’m talking about what I think is best for my son, and to try to go through my husband because he gives in to his family all the time.

Yestersay My husband and I and my son had a birthday party to go to on my husband side.  It was a 16-year-old‘s birthday party and everyone who went was all on my husband‘s cousins who are in there mid 20’s and younder, some being 30’like us. Basically an older crowd. He has a really big family which I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, so everybody wanted to hold him. I often had to find myself talking to my husband and telling him to be careful and not let anyone hold him because if you let want you let them all.  I don’t know what it is I just don’t like seeing my son being passed around like a hot potato. Then to top it off, one of my husbands brothers offered to hold her son so we could eat dinner with the rest of the family, I know his intentions were to hold him and just give us some time to eat. But I’m perfectly capable of doing this on my own if I have to and I don’t want to give him To his brother so that we could get distracted with the rest of the family. We have one responsibility and that is to take care of our son.

Anyways to my surprise as well as to my expectation at the same exact time, we were eating I looked around and all of a sudden my son was nowhere to be found, His brother took him for a walk in the  restaurant and ended up out of sight. I started asking where he was and my husband started looking around too then we noticed he was far away, really far away so one of the cousins said don’t worry I will go get him, but I looked at my husband and I hope that he would. But he didn’t. Then one of the girl cousins said he’s just over there he’s not doing anything. So I said are you comfortable with your daughter being walked around without you not knowing where they are. And she said yeah, Which I already knew she was OK with because this is her family and she’s always been OK with her family taking her daughter and doing whatever whenever they want. But these are my in-laws and I’m just very protective over my son he’s my first son and he’s almost 3 months old.    Anyways to end the story off a little abruptly we got home and I got into a big argument with my husband because I just don’t feel comfortable and I don’t know why.

 

But I woke up with a lot of regret and I realized I can’t do this anymore, I can’t bottle things up and then come home and take it out on my husband. I have to find the right words the strength to say it and how to say it for the sake of my little family. I might not be doing the right thing but I don’t care if I look like a possessive self-centred woman that doesn’t want to share her son then so be it.

Tough gig…

This Mommy business is a tough gig😓😅… so much to handle mentally and physically, trying to balance all that while caring for you and being far from perfect… but thank you for always flashing me that amazing smile, especially when I’m straight faced 😐 or lowly 😞 and making me feel worthy and worth it || How sweet it is to be loved by you 🍭

A Mother’s Love definitely knows no bounds and often goes overboard….

What do you do when your love is so intense you feel border line crazy… possessive, primitive… not the person you ever were or thought you’d ever be?

Hear me out… I’ve alwahs thought that becoming a mother would make me this open, carefree mom and that my baby would be this pride of mine that I’d share with the world! But I’ve been much, much more selective of who I share him with since he’s been Earth side. And I’d never thought I would be trying to keep my diastance from the people I love and genuinely want in my life. But somethings are just too overbearing for my likings. I am learning to say no, not now, don’t do that , I am his mother, I know best, to people I never felt confident enough to say things like that to… to the closest family members. I know they genuinely love him and some may think they have more experience due to them having children or are much older than me, but I am just feeling super territorial. I am also not wanting any advice, even if it’s good advice…. is that normal? I guess A Mother’s love knows no bounds and definitely goes overboard… or is it just me…

I just want to care for my son and say I did this on my own.  If I have any thing I need advice for I’ll definitely ask but I am feeling like my role in his life is secondary when it really should be primary.

 

Mama’s do you have any advice or can you relate? I’m all ears because I just want to do right by my baby.

It’s my job to hold on, it’s his job to go on…

So I have been a little ticked off lately, no scratch that a lot. Being a new mama I’ve been hearing a lot of unwanted advice. I know this is so cliché to hear because almost every mother I know and read says the same things but hear me out  because I’ve never come across a mother that has  expressed what I’m about to say.

When it comes to attachment parenting we hear a lot of, “ don’t pick your baby up every time he cries, he will get used to it and cry all the time, let him cry it out!”, “ don’t hold your baby all the time, he will get so attached to you and you won’t be able to do anything without him!  let me hold the baby for you, you need a break take it when you get the chance ”  or “don’t sleep with your baby or he’ll get use to it and never want to sleep alone”.

So here’s the deal, I can’t speak for every mother out there but I’ll speak for myself when it comes to dealing with these comments. The only thing that gets me every time is that I’m not asking for anyone’s advice, and my baby is not a threat to me the way you make him seem. So I do not want to hear every time I hold him or every time I grab him that he is one.  I’m a firm believer That any moms who do these things are aware of this and actually want this attatchment to their kids. Speaking for myself, I genuinely want my little one close to me as often as possible and I want to build my life that way… I’m a stay at home mom, this is my full time job and like any job, I’ll one day have to put up the gloves and let go of a lot of things and change my ways to adjust to new work methods… my  child will no longer be attatched to me, nothing will last forever, so every growing moment with him by my side is my passion, it my ‘job’ and if I love what I do then it’s all worth it.

Before I know it my little one will be 2 and never want to be in my arms, before I know it my little one will be 4 and may not want to be in my bed and want his own cool car themed bedroom, before I know it my little one will be 18 and off to college and not even In the house anymore… time is soo precious with my baby because time flies and nature has a way of helping him grow and try new things. Its my job to hold on, it’s his job to go on…when he’s ready. Mamas arms will always be open because I chose this life of bonding and living for my son and by the grace of God he gave me it.

So no, I don’t need your advice, trust me if I do.. I’ll ask.

Me and my sweet little love.

-Am I overly obsessed?

Hello bloggers and friends… my oh my has it been a while since I’ve last posted! I’ve just been sooo occupied with my baby boy, living in the moment  and just in awe of my brand new precious responsibility and becoming a mother.

It’s been so intense and so many things and to say the least, more than anything I could ever want. But on the flip side, terrifying, nerve wracking, challenging and testifying—I can’t believe the love I have for this little guy, so much so that I am obsessive and protective to the point that I think I may be overdoing it? Well, here is where I’ll vent and here is where I hope to release and maybe even get some proper feedback for my behavior.

 

Hear me out…

Firstly, this is my precious baby boy! Now two months old, bouncy! Happy! Baby Zacariah!

Here I am coddling him *ahem I mean cuddling him ever so close. I am obsessed with my boy! Which is absolutely an amazing feeling but there is a downfall that keeps me up at night.. I love him so much and obsess of him so much that I can’t seem to imagine letting him be held by even a family member and walked out the room unless it is my husband- further more, and it gets more extreme when I feel this rage in me that I’ve bever felt when a family member even opens their arms to pick him up from my arms without kindly asking me first. It’s strange, I love my family, my in- laws.. but I just can’t handle a lot of the admiration for my boy whilst still wanting them to love him and care for him.

Now this is the kicker, when it comes to my family ie. my parents, brother and sister in law… I’m not so possessive; I like to think it’s because they are not intrusive, and they respect my space with him. But I live with my mother in law and brother In laws and, they have a huge family of aunts and uncles that are very close and all expect to have time with my son as well, the aunts call him their Son as a small example. Although I spend most of the day with him, I just can’t seem to let him leave my side. So when my MIL or BILs want me to grab him and  leave the room or bring him upstairs, or even go outside in the backyard with him so willingly and securely, I go insane inside and, I feel like they sense it. I’ll follow them or keep an eye on them the whole time, and I’m sure that’s uncomfortable. But I just can’t stop myself and I feel so protective and that leaving him with them without my watchful eye makes me feel like a bad mother or that I’m not there for him- or I even feel a bit possessive as I hear a voice In my head saying… ‘he’s my son, stay in the premises! And never leave a room without my permission!’ …… * sigh, Am I overdoing it? How would you handle a situation like this? Anyways, looking foward to your response Mamas..

Before I sign out, I just have to gush a bit over my Son, like I said, it’s been a while since I’ve posted but I’ve been so busy with my little guy and getting use to this Mommy thing that I love so very much that oh ya, makes me even obsess with him in the future… just want to add one more thing, my in laws already talk about how they can’t wait till he is able to be a bit more independent and is able to use a baby bottle* because I breast feed* so that they can take him to their room to have a sleep over or baby sit him…and they expect it to happen soon as well, I go crazy inside and say, then I’ll never stop breast feeding! Lol.. And I start thinking I’ll never want him to have sleep overs even when he’s older… and part of it is because I just feel like they feel entitled or that he is more theirs and than mine I guess.  I don’t know why I feel this way, if it’s just a Mom thing that I’m just overreacting , or there are real reasons for this and that I need to start fixing. Ahhh, please let me know I am normal and if I’m not please just rip the band Aid off and just give me the advice I need.  * End rant

 

 

Magic happened here.

It wasn’t what I had planned. It wasn’t even close. But after an 18 hour labor, and a whole lot of ups and downs in between that is just way too overwhelming to detail here, it had to be done. It came to the doctors attention that my son was face up and stuck in my left pelvic. A c-section was the only way to bring him into this world safely. It was the scariest decision of my life; not knowing if he was okay, or if I’ll even be okay to see him, or hold him as fast as I could if I delivered naturally and if he was in the right position. The feeling of being all alone without my husband during the preparation of the c-section felt like forever, feeling his fear as well as my own and being alone in my thoughts on the surgery table  as the thoughts tried to overpower me. The last thing I asked before they asked my husband in and started the surgery was to please let me do skin to skin as I know it’s not a standard procedure during the c-section, the only thing on my mind was hoping I get to see my son immediately as well. The nurses said it won’t probably happen but I asked the doctor more like pleaded for it to happen and thank God it happened. The Doctor placed him on my chest and face and he immediately stopped crying while I couldn’t stop 😭… it was the most beautiful moment of my life. His safety and health from the c-section and the feeling I had when he came to me made it all worth it. But I must advocate for those who have done c-sections, it was my last resort, so I barely even prepared for it nor thought about how hard it was to go through with it and heal from it. (the recovery is brutal). it’s one of the hardest decisions a mother can make and it usually has such a negative stigma to it. Its a big decision and most of the time a decision made in the final moments, but it is still as magical as natural birth when you see the strength a mother has when she chooses her babies health and safety over her own.

Welcome to earthside Zacariah

 Finally you have entered my life my sweet Zacari. On May 8th, 2018 at 5:56 am you were born to this world weighing 7 pounds and 12 ounces with a length of 20. 5 inches.

My birth experience did not go according to plan and further, it didnt even go according to any last minute decisions I kept having to make, until the final decision; more like resort, to do an emergency c-section.

Im very overwhelmed by the whole ordeal so I’ll go in depth and write about it sometime soon. All that matters right now and to take away from this story is that baby Z is healthy and was brought into this world safe💙

39 weeks💙

39 weeks✨|| it’s been a while since I’ve been out and about, getting my walk on and trying to move around. But with this lovely weather, I had to try! It’s been an overwhelming week, so many feelings and emotions… So many changes physically and mentally. It’s officially been a full 9 months with nearly a week or so more of preparing for a love that will last a lifetime… ✨🖤 #iloveyoumorrthanyoulleverknow

Can’t wait ✨

I can’t wait to show you just how beautiful the world can be🌎✨9 Months—36 weeks✨ ready when you are.

I know you’re being strong for me.

I already know it, even though you are not in my arms yet, I feel you thriving and I feel you want to be in my life. With the chaos of my family always struggling with some kind of Illness, I feel you remaining calm… and strong. Because you know your mommy needs you as she battles the caregiver roll for her own mother, and her unhealthy attachment to feeling like a caregiver to anyone that seems to be needing help….

 

I feel so hopeless and helpless at times, like I can’t be there for my mom like I use to… I need to be there for my unborn son. I feel pulled as I try to deal with my moms many, many illnesses whilst also trying to be there and feeling so connected to all the women in my life that are battling depression because they truly express it to me so much.  Maybe everyone feels like they can, like I’m strong, but I’m not.  I pray every single day that you are okay my son, that you are not feeling my sorrow, that you are being my strength and truly being it, not like me; the basket case of a woman scrambling around trying to be there for everyone.

I promise my boy, I’ve been doing what I can in the moment for you, I’ve been praying, singing spiritual songs to you and letting you listen to spiritual music so that you know you’re  my soul and my spirit✨

You’re already SO amazing to me, that you are so strong, Doctors keep telling me how BEAUTIFUL  strong and calm your heart beat sounds. You are my Heart, my loving strong heart… that keeps me grounded, makes me feel safe.. I pray all the days of my life that you be grounded because this world, this family, this Mom… needs you 💙